Beauty: maybe it's time for me to work out what it is for me?

I've been thinking about beauty today. And I've been realising that, while I know that I vacillate around wanting it, I'm not sure I know any more what it is.

I know beauty's subjective. What's pleasing to one person's eye does absolutely nothing for someone else. And that's not only true of build, complexion, muscle tone, bone structure, or hair or eye colour. It's just as valid for manner, attitude, confidence, grace... any of the below-the-surface attributes that are sometimes held up as aspects of "real beauty" when people want to believe it's a virtue that lies wholly beneath the skin. But what strikes one person as tactful, considerate and gentle can strike another as being a disingenuous, passive-aggressive, self-sacrificing doormat.  And what one person sees as having confidence in themselves and their unique strengths can strike another as arrogant self-delusion and wilful ignorance of their faults.

I know the more I learn about beauty, the less I know what it is for me. Beauty, after all, is all in the eye of the beholder.  And when something's that subjective, that open to individual variation, how can we possibly have any kind of collective agreement about what constitutes it?  Without a collective agreement, we each have to decide what beauty really is to us. But how exactly are we supposed to figure that out when we're constantly bombarded with messages about what we should consider to be beautiful?  I know that super-slender, super-made-up, super-airbrushed fashion magazine models don't register as beautiful to me (well, most of them don't, anyway - occasional exceptions occur).  Nor, I feel very awkward in saying, because I want to believe I'm more open and tolerant than this, do obese people - at least not physically, although I've met some with definite inner beauty that awes me. In fact, I realise as I write this that physical extremes of any kind don't register as "beautiful" to me. Nor do androgynous men (although, oddly, sometimes androgynous women do... I have no idea what's up with that).  But these are all examples of what I don't find beautiful.  It doesn't help to answer what, exactly, I do.

I know I'm... conflicted... about my own physical "beauty".  Some days, I truly, truly  feel beautiful. I see myself in the mirror, and my eyes seem big, dark and sparkling, my skin seems clear, my hair behaves itself as it falls sleekly down my back, and my clothes seem to flatter my shape (larger than socially desirable though it may be) and fall in nice lines that flaunt the curves I enjoy having, and hide the ones I don't.  I'm at peace with myself and even I can see it in the reflection looking back at me.

Other days, though, I just can't feel it.  My hair is a wirebrush rat's nest that refuses to co-operate with anything I try to do it - my skin seems to create enough oil to solve the world's energy crisis - the circles under my eyes pulse like black holes - and nothing I wear hides the rolls of extra flesh that have come with growing older.  And don't get me started on the not-just-skin-deep stuff. On those kinds of days?  I snap and I snarl and I snipe at the people who love me. I'm irritable and self-absorbed. I act like an inconsiderate toddler throwing a kindergarten tantrum - and even as I'm doing it, I wonder how anyone could possible see *this* and think it's attractive.

Sometimes, people I care about - people I trust - tell me I'm beautiful.  When I'm feeling that way to start with, the recognition - the acknowledgement and affirmation that I'm not deluding myself - is a precious gift, and the smile that lights up my face as I thank whoever said it is 100% genuine.  When I'm not, I try to smile and say thank you anyway - but I wonder if the person who complimented me can tell that it hasn't sunk in. I wonder if they can see that my inner saboteur has taken their well-meant words, and is in the process of tearing each one into bleeding shreds like a rabid wolf with its prey.

Sometimes I can pretend I don't give a damn about beauty.  I tell myself I'm deeper than that. That my mind is occupied with far more important things.  That caring about being beautiful is allowing the outwardly-focussed, materialistic culture I live in to dictate what does or doesn't have worth in my life - to impose its standards on me. On days like that, I try to reject those standards, and simply be who I am, in the body I've been given, in clothes that feel comfortable, and with the minimum amount of fuss and bother I can possibly manage.   Other times I realise that actually, feeling beautiful feels good... and I want that feeling as often as possible. So I find myself searching for clothes and makeup that will flatter me, doing exercise that will shape me, playing with skin care that will fix my complexion issues, and attempting inner work that will transform me.  All with the goal and hope and dream of being a generally beautiful person - inside and out.

Like I said, I'm thoroughly conflicted.  And I think it's time to openly acknowledge it.

I'm not sure where to go with this realisation. I think I've known it for a long time, but I'm not sure if I've verbalised it before.  I'm fairly certain it's a big part of why I'm often so conflicted about my weight loss, and why I've done far, far better with the practical goal of losing weight for Trailwalker than I ever did when I just aimed for a number on the scale, a specific dress size, or the ability to squeeze back into those damn leather pants.

I think there's probably a lot more beauty-related musings inside me still to be explored.  But I wanted to get these thoughts down into writing now, in the hope they'll prompt some kind of epiphany somewhere off down the track. Maybe one day I'll be able to figure out what beauty actually is to me. And when that happens? Maybe I'll finally know whether it's something worth the constant struggle to achieve.

One small step for style, one giant leap for body image

So yesterday I did a huge, giant, enormous, big brave thing.  No, really.

Are you ready for this?

OK, here it is then: I wore boots, leggings and a mid-thigh-length tunic to work.

*GASPPPPPP!*

"Why is this such a big deal?", I hear you ask.

Well, it's like this, see.  All of us have bits of our bodies we're... not as happy with as we could be, right?  In my case, the "bits I'm not happy with" are pretty much everything below the waist.  And I have my reasons: I have a weirdass lymphatic circulation thingy going on, which means that even when I was at my alltime skinniest and friends/family were telling me I'd gone too far with my weight loss (although I'd only *just* slipped into the very top level of "healthily overweight" by the BMI charts), I still had very round, very swollen, very balloony legs and ankles.

I've had the issue checked by a doctor or two over the years, each of whom agrees that, given how active I am in my daily life:

1. No, really, lymphatic swelling has absolutely bugger-all to do with my weight. It's not actually my fault for being overweight, but they can't tell me what it *is* due to. Basically, it's just one of those things that just *is* - kinda like me having mutant thumbs or a jewish nose
2. If the oedema (that's the technical name for lymphatic swelling) didn't suddenly show up out of the blue, and it's not painful or stopping me doing anything practical that I want to do, then there's no real health reason to be concerned about it
3. If I *do* want to do something about it, I'm probably looking at long-term use of diuretics to reduce the fluid levels (yeah, no thanks, I like my electrolytes the way they are, thanks), and/or wearing fairly tight compression stockings to physically *squeeze* the fluid out of my legs (until I take them off, when it'll probably all flow back in again - and yeah, again, no thanks - taking care of what is effectively a cosmetic issue by wearing something really ugly and uncomfortable seems to defeat the purpose, if you know what I mean)

So I figured that if it's not affecting my life in any way other than keeping me from fitting into 95% of the allegedly-my-size boots on the planet, then I really don't want to start frakking around with my body's delicate biochemical balance or sentence myself to wearing compression stockings for the rest of my life. So the obvious answer is to just live with it, dress around it, and focus my time and energy on other FAR more important matters.

Which sounds all very smart and sensible and stuff, but despite the smartness and sense, somewhere underneath the surface, I've retained a definite sense of... shame... I guess you'd call it, about my legs.  Because they're not shaped like "normal" legs. Despite their strength. Despite the fact that they've been instrumental in getting me 88km into Trailwalker last time around. Despite the fact that they've carried me nearly 1,500km since I started  tracking my mileage back in August last year.  You'd think I'd be proud of them, regardless of their shape, right?

Yeah, not so much, I'm afraid. For the past decade or so, almost any time I've left the house, I've dressed in either long, loose trousers, or a long, ankle-length skirt.  Oh, I'll *very* occasionally wear leggings when I'm out running, or exercising at home. But otherwise? I hide them away to the greatest extent I can. Even when I was training for Trailwalker through the heat of summer last time around, I still wore long cargos to walk in, rather than shorts for most of it (I did *try* to wear shorts for part of it, but it was a HUGE deal psychologically for me when I did)

So anyway. I made a decision back last year that if/when I completed Trailwalker, I was going to buy myself a short skirt that showed off my (probably opaque-tights-covered, granted) legs. After all, legs that walked 100km, and that were instrumental in raising $2,500 for charity frakking deserved to be shown off, right?

That's an easy decision to make because, hey, it's off in the future, and I don't have to actually *do* anything about it right now.  And then earlier this month it occurred to me... one of my standard workwear combos recently has been a flattering, mid-thigh tunic worn over either jeans or dress pants.  And that I could just as easily do that over leggings or opaque tights as I could over pants. So I didn't actually *need* to buy myself anything new to "show my legs off".

Then, last week, I went shoe shopping - looking for some physio-recommended flats to wear to work, since wearing boots with heels  - even small ones - seemed to be aggravating a knee problem I can't afford to have this close to Trailwalker.  What I discovered  is that the new season's boots are now in... and that someone, somewhere must have heard my footwear-related prayers because they're FINALLY making boots that fit those of us with... wider calves and ankles.  And for the first time EVER in my life, I found a pair of leather, mid-calf boots that fitted over my ankle and lower calves. And there was MUCH celebration in the Starfire-verse, let me tell you.

So of course, I... errr... grabbed the aforementioned boots. And a couple of other pairs of comfy, flat ankle boots while I was at it. I've never had so much success with boot-shopping in my life, and I wasn't about to let any of them slip through my grasp. Which brings me through to yesterday. I wore the midcalf ones. And leggings. And a mid-thigh tunic. And I... shock... horrror... gasp... *showed off my legs*.

The results were AMAZING in the extent of their anticlimacticness. No-one said a word. It's possible that this is because it looked truly godawful and everyone was too polite to say anything. But it's also possible, and FAR more likely, that no-one actually noticed. After all, I'd worn that tunic before over black pants. It's possible it didn't actually look all that different over black leggings.  The key thing from my subconscious's point of view, however, is that no-one gasped, blanched or ran away in horror when the shape of my legs went on display. No-one gently took me aside and explained that, really, I didn't have the legs to be wearing such styles, and should really go back to wearing looser pants. No-one, in fact, appeared to be looking at my legs one way or the other.  Which is to be expected if you're thinking about such things rationally and logically.  Can you tell from this post I haven't been able to do that for a long time?

Anyway: I'm figuring on some kind of "aversion therapy" thing here, where I do the whole tunic-and-leggings thing on a regular basis over Winter... and hopefully at some point, I'll graduate to doing the same thing with opaque tights and above-the-knee skirts.

Who knows?  By the time summer rolls around, my subconscious may have even made it to the point I'm ready to let just a little skin show?

It's my weight-goal and I'll change it if I want to

So, what's it been now... three months? Slightly over.  Well, at least the posting gap's been slightly smaller this time round.

And things have indeed changed since December.  In several ways - the biggest of which (at least from a weightloss viewpoint)  is that on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again Trailwalker is now on again.

Which is great news when it comes to avoiding the predations of the Beast.  Not quite so good when it comes to the weightloss journey - hey, I defy anyone (well, any mere mortal, anyway) to eat cleanly and keep regular comfort food out of their diet when they're exhausting their meagre willpower stores on simply getting their butt out the door 5-6 days a week regardless of the weather, and keeping it out the door for 70-90km and 14-16 hours a week of nothing but walking.

At the same time, I don't want to backtrack and lose all the ground I've worked so damn hard to gain over the past 18 months or so. So what I'm doing instead is giving myself permission to just maintain where I am for now (and by maintain, I mean, allow my body do its usual 2kg-either-way-yo-yoing-in-less-than-48-hours thing).   I seem to be able to hold steady at somewhere between 76.5kg-78.5kg without putting too much thought and obsession and planning into it, so I've decided that, at least until Trailwalker's over, that's good enough for me.

This initially felt like I was giving up... at least until I realised I was looking at it through one-or-zero, black-or-white, binary-only coloured glasses.  If, on the other hand, I look at my weightloss journey as something I get to do in my own time, under my own rules - and furthermore, as something that is... really... simply the intro course for a way of eating and relating to food that's going to last me the rest of my life - then the decision to maintain is just me having the flexibility to acknowledge that right now, I have a goal that's more important to me than my original weightloss one was.

So, in practical terms, that means I'm still:

• Tracking my food more days than I'm not - as much to make sure I'm getting enough calories as it is to make sure I'm not blowing out on a regular basis.  But I'm also not beating myself up if I go a day or three without tracking, especially if that day happens to be one where a/ I'm doing 30km+ walks; and b/ I'm eating food that makes my body feel good and nourished and not-hungry, even if I'm also eating some crap
• Trying to drink lots of water and drink not-too-much of everything else (tea excepted - my tea addiction remains with me, unchangeable through thick and thin)
• Trying (with varying success) to get more fresh-fruit-and-veg - hell, even frozen/dried/canned/whatevered fruit-and-veg - into my diet. Some days I do pretty well, other days not so much.  This is an area I've really slacked off on over the past few weeks, and I suspect kicking myself up the butt and improving it would do wonders for my mood... and possibly my training too.
• Trying (again, with varying success) to eat semi-mindfully with a focus on how a given food will make me feel - not just as I eat it, but afterward. And, of course, with a focus on how it's going to fuel all those crazy-long walks that I'm doing.
• Weighing myself weekly - just to make sure I"m not kidding myself about being able to limit the effects of slacking off.

What I'm NOT, on the other hand, doing so much of right now is:

• Denying myself comfort/stress food as and when I want it:  I'm still limiting my portions - a couple of squares of dark chocolate at one go, not a bar; or a small serving of chips when I'm craving salty, fatty food - plus I'm still trying to eat it mindfully when I do eat it, but I'm making the choice to indulge my desire for comfort food far more often than I did before the Trailwalker thing was confirmed.  Partly that's all the extra stress that the organising side of Trailwalker is creating in my life. Partly it's the "but I deserve it, damnit!" voice that looks at the crazy distances I'm making myself walk and wants to reward myself. Partly it's knowing that when you're burning an extra 4,000-5,000 calories a week, you can afford to splurge a little more often.  The trick here will be remembering to pull myself back from the extra indulgences once Trailwalker's over
• Cooking dinners from scratch: (and by "from scratch" I mean "using ingredients that don't ALL come from a packet"). Cooking and I have had a... troubled relationship in the past. Sometimes we're grudging allies, but most of the time, we prefer to ignore each other.  So for me, deciding to cook and actually preparing food to be cooked takes a huge amount of willpower out of all proportion to the physical effort involved in the act of cooking. Always has. Right now, I don't have that willpower spare. So instead, I'm compromising and looking for semi-healthy convenience foods that can just either be microwaved or eaten cold. Or, not-irregularly, buying semi-healthy takeaways like sushi, salad wraps or Nando's, where I know the nutrition data. I know it's not perfect. But it's the best compromise I'm willing to make right now.
• Bringing my lunches into work from home: I did have this set up as a good routine habit for a while last year. And I intend to go back to it. But again, I'll do it *after* Trailwalker.

I think, to some extent, I'm using the same techniques that I kept hearing motivational expert after motivational expert, diet coach after diet coach, recommend back over the Christmas break to stop people losing track of their good habits and intentions completely over the Silly Season. I'm accepting that the period from now until Trailwalker *isn't* normal life for me; and trying to keep my weightloss goals on track as though it were - not having the flexibility to adapt to the reality of what life is now for me - would be getting into an all-or-nothing thought pattern that won't do anything good for my pysche or my weightloss.  Better to cut back on my goals, and put a finite timeframe on when I'll pick them back up again.

So. Here's how I see it working:

• Right up until Trailwalker (until Friday 8 April): I'm going to keep on keeping on as I have been above.  If I can tweak what I'm doing to feature more of the "good" stuff in the first list, that's great.  But the ultimate arbiter of whether what I'm doing is enough is a/ whether I have the energy to do all the training I need to do; and b/ whether I'm managing to keep my weight in that 76.5-78.5kg band
• Trailwalker weekend and the two days immediately following (9-12 April): I'm planning on, quite simply, eating whatever the hell my body wants while I'm on the 100km walk; and whatever the hell I feel like the two days afterwards while I'm resting and recovering and taking time off work. I'm going to trust my body to let me know what it feels like, and trust my mind to be present to whatever I'm eating so that I stop when I've had enough.
• The third day after (13 April):  this is my last day off work - I'm going to use it to check in, reset my goals and intentions around my weightloss journey, and then go do some healthy grocery shopping to make sure I have the foods in the fridge/pantry/etc that will support those goals and intentions.  I'll also look at what my next exercise goal is going to be once Trailwalker is over and done with - I have vague ideas about setting myself a half-marathon to run-walk, but we'll see what happens when I get there.

So yes. I'd love to be supergirl and keep up that wonderful rate of weightloss I had going late last year and into the Christmas break. But you do what you can do - and I think, at least for now, that intentionally maintaining is about the best I can hope for.

OOOPS! Did we forget to factor our *holiday* into those goals, Starfire?

So I've just got back from an amazing long weekend holiday break with my husband to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary in the gorgeous Bay of Islands.

We stayed in Paihia, in a little B&B called Morepork Lodge.  And we had an AWESOME time. We saw lots, did lots, learned lots, read lots... and of course, as you do, ate lots.  It wasn't tooooo bad.  I kept my food intake reasonably semi-healthy most days (except yesterday. Yesterday, there was a sinfully rich seafood chowder that was... well, I'll start by saying that it was divine, that it came in what amounted to a buttery cob trencher, and that it basically seemed to be the bastard lovechild result of a gastronomical orgy between butter, cream, cheese, wine and fish... and then try very, very hard to just leave it there), but I decided that it was going to be too hard to track food while I was up there, so I just... didn't.  And because of that, I know that quantity-wise, I ate a lot more at each meal than I'd got into the habit of eating since I started tracking. Because the portions I tend to automatically use out of habit are NOT the portions that are assumed in "per serving" nutrient breakdowns.  Thus no tracking pretty much = more food, see?

I also tried to keep the exercising up, with various degrees of resulting success.  Our B&B host loved walking, so I got him to show me a couple of nice local walks on two of the days I was there. They weren't the kind of long walks I'm used to (one was 8km, which was OK, the other was somewhere between 3-4km), but at least they involved movement. And they were pretty, and filled with much scenic.  So that was all good. And the other two days, I managed to sneak in a little walking on top of all the incidental exercise we got through the various tours and stuff we did.  I didn't, however manage to get ANY running in while I was there. It just didn't happen. I probably could have made it happen if I'd been a bit more dedicated, but I didn't. It is what it is.

So the result of not factoring the holiday into my goals?  Well, basically, the first week of December is, I think, pretty much a write-off goalswise. I refuse to let this ruin the fact that the holiday was amazing; but at the same time, I don't do myself any favours by making excuses or trying to pretend that I did better than I did. And I did, after all, say that I was aiming to have one week with reduced mileage, back when I set my December goals.  I wasn't planning for that to be the first freakin' week of the month. But hey. Again, it is what it is.  And if I end up having two weeks of reduced mileage? So be it.

On that note, I'm not expecting anything pretty from the scales when I do my weekly weigh-in tomorrow. But, y'know what? That'll be what it'll be too.  If I've put a couple of kilos back on? Well, then, I've put a couple of kilos back on. Contrary to what my inner melodrama queen may wish to say on the matter, this will not, in fact, cause the earth to tilt on its axis, the sun to eclipse, the rocks to melt or the seas to boil. I'll just have an extra couple of kilos to take back off.

I'm just hoping I can remember this philosophical attitude tomorrow morning when I step on the damn scales...

Goals for December in the Starfireverse

Well, since setting goals for November and holding myself accountable for them each week seemed to work out so well, it only makes sense to set myself a whole heap more for the final month of the year, right?

So, here we go: goals to take me through to the end of the 2010, and get me there in what I hope is a healthier and fitter condition than I started the year out.

1. Keep tracking my food, and aim for a calorie intake of between 2000-2250 most days. This is slightly less than it was last month, but that's because I'm slightly lighter, and my BMR is therefore slightly lower.  I should say that on days where my calorie burn is up over the 700 or so mark, I'm perfectly OK with adding a wee bit more to my intake if I feel like I need it.  In fact, on days when that burn hits 1,000cal+ in a day (which occasionally happens), I expect to take in more, since I REALLY don't want to be exceeding a 1,000cal/day deficit.  That way lies major dumb in the Starfireverse. But the major thing is to stay aware of how much I'm putting in vs how much I'm burning. Which is where keeping up the tracking comes int.
2. Increase my total weekly distance goal to a minimum of 50km per week EXCEPT for one week of the month, when I'll drop it to between 35-40km to give my body a rest for a bit :-)  I've exceeded 50km in at least 2 of the weeks of November, so I already know I can do it without putting too much strain on my system - I'd just like to hold myself to this level for December.
3. Run 60+ cumulative minutes in a single interval session: As I said in my previous post, the B210k format isn't always working for me right now, and often the second and third intervals in any given session end up being broken down into lots of smaller intervals anyway.  So rather than keeping on banging my head against this wall in December, I'm going to switch focus to setting a goal around total distance run, which is really what I care about after all.  Currently, I'm usually topping out at somewhere between 40-50min of running in a session.  By the end of the year, I'd like that to be at 60min - or higher.  I'm going to work on the basis of shorter 8-10min running intervals, with 2-3min walk breaks between them, and see if that helps to get my total minutes up better than the way I'm doing it at the moment, where I seem to manage the first interval, but it exhausts my reserves too much to deal with the subsequent ones.
4. and speaking of running... Run-walk Race 1 of the Westfield Albany Lakes 10k, ideally finishing it in under 1 hour 25.  I was initially thinking of aiming to finish it in under 1:30, which is my previous PR for walking a 10k, but based on the times I've been run-walking training sessions recently, I think 1:25 should be achievable. Although, to be honest, this race is going to be my benchmark, given that it's the first 10k I've entered as a runner, rather than as a pure walker.  The idea is that whatever I get for this one, in the end is fine, as long as I manage to run more and walk less of each subsequent race in the series thereafter
5. Lose another kilo. Yep. Again, I'll be happy with just one over the course of the month.  To be honest, my short-term weight loss goal is just to finally break the 80kg barrier, and get into the 70s again... however much of a technicality those 70s might be. And if I can do that by the end of the year? Well, that makes a nice little timepoint to aim for, doesn't it?

And of course, as before, I'm aiming to stay  balanced while I do all of this.  Because none of these goals really mean anything if I break myself on the way to achieving them.

Any thoughts for what you want to manage by the end of 2010?

Roundup of the November Goals... and new ones for December

So back when I was setting my goals for the month of November, I settled on 6 basic ones:

1. To track my food intake every day, and aim for between approx 2100-2300 each day
2. To burn a minimum of 2,500 calories in exercise a week
3. To log a minimum of 40km a week
4. To make it past W2 of the Bridge to 10k
5. To lose a kilo

And, of course, the most important one:

• To stay in balance while I'm doing it all.

And y'know - I'm pretty pleased with how I went:

1. I tracked my food all but (I think) 2 days out of the month. I stayed between 2000-2300 most days. Occasionally I actually had a little more - usually when I'd done more than 600+cal of exercise and genuinely felt like I needed more; and I'm absolutely OK with that. In fact, I'd far prefer it to sticking to a predetermined limit that ignores how much my body is telling me it needs on the day. And it apparently worked too... I've been losing weight at a rate I'm happy with on this calorie intake, while still feeling (mostly) like I had the energy I need to deal with not just my training, but everything else in my  life.  
2. Yeah, I think I hit the calorie burn without even trying every single week. To the point where I'm considering upping this for December to actually make it challenging (but more on that in the next post).
3. I also hit my 40km without REALLY trying all but one week of November, so I'm definitely looking at upping this in December. The one thing I'm conscious of, though, is that if I'm increasing my weekly distance like this, it's probably smart to actively plan to include a rest week in there where I deliberately aim for a lower distance. I see that in most marathon training plans, so I can't imagine it being a bad idea here. Plus, y'know, that balance thing.
4. I did indeed make it past W2. I actually even made it to W4. But then things started going pear-shaped again, and I found myself managing the first interval of any given session, and then seeing the others just turn to custard.  I think I'm going to keep using a modified version of the programme, but not let myself be limited by it.  What I really care about with my running interval sessions, really, is total distance covered in any one session, followed by total distance run. If I manage to run 45min cumulative total in a session, I don't really care whether I'm doing it in 3 sessions or 10. As long as I'm doing it, it's all good, and all plays into how I'm planning to run-walk the races I'm now signed up for.  So yes, this goal was achieved, but the equivalent B210k goal won't be following me into December.
5. I did indeed lose a kilo.  In fact, I *NEARLY* lost 2 this month. So I'm well pleased with this. No rapid, dramatic weightloss, which would suggest that something was seriously wrong with how I'd calculated my calorie intake and/or exercising. Just a nice, steady loss that feels like a tangible reward for the mostly-good eating and exercising behaviours I've consistently managed for the past month.

And for the main question: did I stay in balance?  I think, for the most part, the answer is "Yes".  I didn't always manage it 100% of the time, but for the most part, when I started feeling like I was getting unbalanced I noticed. Early. And I did something about it.  I didn't pretend it wasn't happening, and I didn't dive headfirst into it.  And that, I think, more than achieving any of the goals above, makes me feel like November has been a VERY successful month in the Starfireverse.

May there be many, many more like it :-)

How was your November?  Any successes or lessons you feel like sharing with the class?

Nike "Kiss my Butt" ad - the body image I WISH I had

My bestest friend in the world (you know who you are) sent me this ad today. And aside from the strange spelling of "ambassador", which I gather is actually quite acceptable in the US, I really, really like it*.

It's the kind of body image (not to mention the kind of glutes, although I'm not really sure I want them enough for the aforementioned 10,000 lunges) that yeah, I'd really like to have. 

That kind of "This is what is. I'm proud of it. And if you don't like it, that's your problem."

I'm not there yet.  But one day, please gods, I will be.

Also? YAY for using models with short legs and SERIOUSLY sexy quads. Because, whoah. Especially with the boxing wraps to accessorise, this lady is very definitely my type :-)

More like this one, please Nike. And Asics. And... well... pretty much everyone, really.


_______
*Well, OK, I'm also not 100% sure about that whole border collie herding skinny women away from deals at clothing sales. Because a/ I'm not going to fit the same clothes as the aforementioned skinny women, so why be a dog in the manger? and b/ I'm really not sure about the whole "butt as border collie" metaphor - possibly someone in the marketing team was burning the midnight oil a little too long when they came up with that one -  is it just me that finds the image vaguely disturbing?

Running, NSVs (and everything else) roundup - Week 3, plus weigh-in

Image courtesy of the Stock Exchange

Pretty good week this week on most fronts (well, running aside - that didn't go so well, but you get that sometimes).

I've had quite a few Non-scale Victories (NSVs): a couple of pairs of pants that have DEFINITELY been fitting more loosely, and one that I've had to retire due to being silly-loose now. I also had a white summerweight work-shirt that I'd been putting to one side till I'd lost enough weight to fit into it again... except that when I tried it on just to see whether I could wear it yet, I discovered I'd missed my opportunity window, and it was, in fact, too big now. And, on top of that, I had a workmate comment that I was looking really good and healthy, so that kind of made my afternoon.

The best one, though, was going out on Friday night for dinner with my husband for our wedding anniversary. I'd told myself that I basically had permission to eat what I wanted, but I still found myself making *reasonably* healthy choices for the entree and main (which were seriously DELICIOUS). Then I ordered dessert, because it sounded so good, but when it came out it was... OK, but really not worth the calorie investment. So I had maybe a third of it, before deciding that, no, y'know, I just wasn't enjoying it - and left it. No drama, no big deals, no angsting. I just left it.

Exercise-wise, it's been a pretty damn AWESOME week in which I managed to make, and exceed, pretty much all my weekly goals (except for that running one I keep mentioning - see writeup for Saturday):

• Monday 22 Nov:  5.5km neighbourhood loop walk. Daily Burn: 390
• Tuesday 23 Nov: 8.6km running session, with 4 running intervals of 17, 16, 12, 6 in there - definitely had difficulty with that last interval - may need to back out a bit. Daily Burn: 709
• Wednesday 24 Nov: AM: gentle 4.5km neighbourhood walk. PM: hard-out "conquering the mountain" 12ish km walk with a friend who's offered to 'push me' a little to get the intensity up. Daily Burn: 1,291
• Thursday 25 Nov: Complete rest day - and ye gods, I needed it!
• Friday 26 Nov: AM: 1 hour of boxing (yay, my trainer is back!). PM: 3km of walking to meet husband for anniversary dinner Daily burn: 500
• Saturday 27 Nov:  Attempted an 11km route with 3x 20min running intervals.  Managed 18 on the first, then everything kind of went to custard from there. Still, when all the little intervals were added up, they totalled ~43min and ~5.6km, so not a total loss. Daily burn: 877
• Sunday 28 Nov: Repeat of Wednesday's walk with my friend. This time with a different HR monitor on, though, and the calorie burn looked somewhat different. Daily burn: 850

So for my overall week's exercise, I did 8 sessions, with a combined total of 4,600 odd calories. So I think I'll definitely up my weekly goal here for December.  And I covered 53km,which I'm well pleased with, even if not as much of it as I would have liked was running.  If I can do a little more of the same this coming with (but with a little more of it running and a little less of it walking), I'll be a happy Starfire


Weight-wise, I'm pretty happy as well - I've dropped another 800g, putting me on 80.7kg.  The which I am SERIOUSLY happy about... although I'm also trying to remind myself that, hey, it's just another marker of progress. It's good, but not the be-all and end-all.  But yeah. It's looking like I might well be able to manage to break 80kg by the end of the year :-)

So that was my week. How did everyone else go with their weekly goals and exercise/eating?

Ambivalent goals: AKA "Well, hello there again, hipbones!"

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I mentioned back in my "Give me a Reason" post that a couple of my reasons - the ones I'm least comfortable with, funnily enough - revolve around visual appearance.  I don't like that they're reasons, but as mentioned in that post, I don't think I'm really doing myself any favours by trying *desperately* to pretend that they don't motivate me.

One of them was about the appearance of muscles. I love the look of muscles moving under my skin - especially when I'm working out, but also those "surprise, bet you weren't expecting us!" appearances I used to get sometimes when I was getting dressed in front of the mirror and there'd be like... whoah... abs... are those really MINE????

What I'd forgotten, when I wrote my reasons post, is that I also used to like being able to see my hipbones occasionally. Now before you panic and figure the Beast has got its hooks well and truly into me again, I should probably say that I'm NOT talking about the angular, gaunt, protruding hipbone look. It's more... when I was lying on my back and I turned my leg to one side, I'd occasionally have this moment of... hey... there's a bone under all that curviness and muscle and flesh.

It's getting hot during the day here in New Zealand, and yesterday was hot enough that I was lying around in some reasonably loose pants and a sports bra. And my husband asked me something and I moved, and... there was one of those hipbones of mine. Still well and truly covered by muscle and... well, not-muscle... but definitely there. For the first time in a long, long, long time. And I could see/feel it moving!  Which prompted a moment of glee, followed by an experimental *prod* *prod*, and then a distinct thought pattern of  "Well, hello there, again hipbone! Long time, no see!" and finally a sense of "Cool! Human anatomy is an awesome thing, and hey, look, I have some!"

As usual when it comes to this kind of stuff, I'm trying REALLY hard to keep it in perspective. It's a mark of progress. Which is nice. But it's not a particularly important one.  It's not like, for example, being able to run an entire 5k without stopping to walk at any point. Or finishing a 10k in less than 1 hour 20. Or being able to do 50 full pushups without stopping or breaking decent form. All of which are current short-to-medium term fitness goals that I will be celebrating like nobody's business when I finally manage to achieve. But it's still a mark. And I'm kind of enjoying it, even if it's mixed in with some... ambivalence.

And I wonder, am I the only one with goals I'm not always 100% comfortable with? Do you have weight loss or fitness goals that you're just a wee bit ambivalent about wanting in the first place, let alone conflicted about actually achieving? How do you deal with the ambivalence?

Running (and everything else) roundup - Week 2, plus weigh-in

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A bit of a mixed week this past week. On the minus side, I seemed to be heading back towards injury-ville after Tuesday's run, and spent much of the week with a sore adductor/hip flexor combo that seemed to fluctuate between serious OW and just niggling.  So I backed off on the running completely until yesterday.

Also, with having been at a viking/medieval-themed wedding on Saturday night, my eating for the day was... not so great, and I ended up forgetting to track my intake for the first time since I found that tracking ap.  And of course, from a psychological viewpoint, there was the resurgence of the Beast earlier in the week too.

That said, on the plus side, I still did a reasonable amount of exercise despite pulling back. I still walked. I still had at least one date with workout-pr0n Bob. I still ate reasonably well, and I didn't blow out completely at the wedding (my personal favourite in the "I didn't deprive myself but didn't go crazy either" list was ignoring the brandy snaps, chocolate fountain and assorted other cakey type noms for a bowlful of fresh strawberries and a little of the dark cherry pottage - yum!).

And my personal victory of the week is actually a/ packing my running gear to take down to the wedding with me; and b/ getting off my butt and using said gear in a 10ish km running session along Wellington's waterfront, which was gorgeous, even in the drizzly rain. It's actually quite a neat feeling running in a strange city - it's only the second time I've ever done it (the first being in London earlier on in the year). So the week ended up looking like this:

• Monday 15 Nov:  4.5km amble-pace walk... basically intended to be a recovery walk from the 12km running session I did Sunday, without spending an actual rest day. Daily Burn: 287
• Tuesday 16 Nov: 8.4km running session, with 3 running intervals of 16, 16, 17 in there. Daily Burn: 669
• Wednesday 17 Nov: REST DAY after developing some potentially nasty adductor/hip flexor shennanigans
• Thursday 18 Nov: morning: 5.5km walk. Evening: strength workout pr0n with Bob. Daily burn: 677
• Friday 19 Nov: 5.5km walk because I just didn't feel up to running. Daily burn: 354
• Saturday 20 Nov:  5ish (estimated) km walking around Wellington. Daily burn: 321?
• Sunday 21 Nov: 9.8km running session along Wellington's waterfront. Daily burn: 728

So for my overall week's exercise, I did 7 sessions, with a combined total of 3,000 calories. So again, no problem with the exercise calorie goal.  And I covered 38.7km, which isn't quite the 40 I was aiming for, but it's still damn close.


I'm going to be aiming to up the kms a little this week - probably not to quite the same level of crazy as in Week 1, but if I can get them somewhere between 40-50, I'll be a happy Starfire. I also want to do at least two workout pr0n sessions, and possibly work on acquiring another set of dumbbells for the using of therewith, since my little 2kg ones are getting a wee bit silly for some of the strengthwork.

Oh and weigh-in wise?  I'm pretty much in the same place I was last week - a slight drop of 200g, making me start this week at 81.5kg.  Which, given the way the week went, and the larger-than-expected drop from the previous week, feels total fair and reasonable, and hey, at least it wasn't a gain!  And, for a weekly NSV, my abs are apparently visible enough now for my husband to comment on them unprompted (for which, I suspect, I have Bob to thank)

So that was my week. How did everyone else go with their weekly goals and exercise/eating?

Grasping for control: I think the Beast is awake...

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Once upon a time, I conceptualised my eating disorder... disordered eating... whateverthehellitis... as a sleeping beast in the dark.

I commented, a few days back, that I'd been going for just over a year without really feeling the seductive siren song to just give in and go all out into calorie restriction and compulsive exercise.  Apparently, the universe took that as a challenge.

Yesterday and today... possibly with the frustration of maybe-possibly having buggered something up in my hips/adductors injury-wise, or possibly some other kind of persykologikal stuff, I've been hearing that soft whisper inside myself.  Again.  And there's no denying it. The Beast is definitely awake.

What's started as "hey, let's allow yourself to feel hunger mindfully, and then to notice what it feels like to satiate that hunger with healthy food", keeps turning into, "Hey, let's *enjoy* the hunger. Let's prolong it. Let's not eat and satisfy it until you're ready to let it go in your time on your terms. Let's stay in control."  Then there was the tracking my food yesterday and realising at the end of the day that I was well under what I'd set as my target. And instead of deciding to eat something (despite feeling hungry), I started thinking about just going with it. Because hey, more deficit = more loss. Especially since I'm doing less exercise this week. And... and... and...

Yeah. We can all see where that's going, can't we? 

I'm conscious that I have three immediate possible responses open to me here:

• I can dive headlong into it:  there's that oh-so-seductive promise of weight loss and those pretty muscles I want. And I can decide it's just too hard to keep fighting it, so I'm going to USE it to get me to my "goals" faster. That just requires a slight change in mindset. And a complete ignoring of the goals that don't fit in with the decision (like, oh, the running one, for example. Not to mention the balance one).   But it's an option. It's the tempting one right now.
• I can freak out and back the hell off from anything that resembles "dieting":  it's understandable, after all, that I'm scared. I've fought the Beast before and lost... running away when I notice it waking up makes perfect sense. But y'know what? If I don't face the battle, the Beast still wins. I give up on my goals. I let it define what I can and can't achieve. It's the path of least resistance, and something I've learned is that that path very rarely generates results I can be proud of achieving.
• I can notice the Beast and simply let myself be with it : I can acknowledge that it's there and hear it without doing what it says. I can thank it for sharing without accepting its goals as mine. This is my own mind, and the only power anything within it has is the power I allow it. If there are epic, dramatic battles to be fought, they're only dramatic and epic because I'm bringing the drama to them.

Just reminding myself that I have that choice of responses helps me to reframe the Beast from the slobbering, threatening monster about to leap out at me like the one in the image above, to something... more manageable.  Maybe the voice of that annoying kid in the movie theature who just won't shut up, when I'm trying to focus on what the characters are saying.  Maybe there's even some metaphor that acknowledges that the Beast wouldn't be there unless it was serving a purpose, so maybe it's some kind of dodgy friend that's trying to give me a constructive message, but has appalling communication skills and hasn't figured out how to tell me in language I know how to understand.

Meh. Not sure. But one thing I do know. I'm less afraid of realising that it's woken up than I was at the beginning of this post.

And that can only be a good thing.

I think I've found the soundtrack to my running/weight loss journey

Today, I discovered the soundtrack for my running and weightloss journey. I kid you not - I've been a down today because I managed to overdo it on my run on Tuesday and the brain squirrels from yesterday, and... general stuff.  Then someone linked me to this video, and it gave my eardrums (and possibly my soul) a SERIOUS happy. I think I may have to see if iTunes has it, because it totally needs to be on my exercise playlist :-)

(also? Moodwise, it probably doesn't hurt that I spent the first part of my evening watching/doing workout pr0n. I should probably be embarrassed by just how much I'm enjoying the Bob Harper Strength Burn DVD!)

Comparisons, pity parties and brain squirrels

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I'm usually pretty good with comparing myself to others.

By which I mean that I don't often compare myself; and when I do, I'm generally fairly easy with noticing differences, and just acknowledging them without putting a moral value on one being better than the other.

Generally.

Some days, though, my insecurities rise to the surface and I can't help a/ comparing myself; and b/ finding myself coming up short.  Especially when my brain squirrels are particularly active.

You know brain squirrels? They're those little rodent thoughts that go round and round and round in your head, chittering on and on, telling you all sorts of negative stuff you know intellectually is utter garbage, but you can't help believing because deep down, you're afraid it's probably true even if it makes no sense whatsoever when you look at it logically.  I think we probably all have infestations now and then, but when they're particuarly active, they can make us feel like we're the only ones who have this kind of crazy inside our brains. Yeah. Those are brain squirrels.

I've been experiencing a bit of a brain squirrel infestation recently around comparing myself to the fitter, more determined people in my life. My sister-in-law, for example, who was run down by a car on a pedestrian crossing back in February, was told she'd be in wheelchair for at least 3 months, and that she should say goodbye to her plans of running the New York marathon.  Two months later, she was on her feet again, a couple of weeks later she was walking with a cane, and a couple of weekends ago, she walked New York in the extremely respectable time of 6 hours & change.

Yesterday I was out on the road with one of the sports nutrition reps at work, who's a posterchild for using the products she's selling. She's training for a half-Iron Man triathlon; and is currently doing something between 2-3 hours training a day for it. She was talking to one of our customers about her training (after the customer asked, it should be acknowledged), and mentioning that when she started training, she was at 20% bodyfat. Right now, she's at 14%.  I have a "4" in my bodyfat levels too, if my scales are to be believed. But it comes at the beginning of the number, not the end.

I know we're all different, and we all have different goals and start from different places and we're all special, special snowflakes in and of ourselves :-S. I know they're them and I'm me.  But there's a part of me that was just feeling... huge and whale-like and lazy and excuse-ridden and impatient (and, let's not beat around the bush here, self-pitying) right through yesterday because I'm not where they are. It's the height of dumb, I know.  But it is what it is.  Or was, since I have to admit, I'm feeling a little less down on myself this morning after a semi-decent night's sleep than I was yesterday.

Part of the sudden onset of comparison-itis, I think is because I probably overdid my run on Tuesday a bit.  I spent most of the day afterwards with legs that were... not sore, exactly, but incredibly stiff, and almost dead-feeling - they just didn't want to move, and walking was slow, arduous and fairly limpy.  It was a little better yesterday (more sore, less dead, still a little limpy), but I took a complete rest day just in case.

I tried running this morning, but my legs told me clearly after about 2 steps that it was NOT happening, so I just ended up walking a shortened version of the route instead. And as I walked, I reminded myself over and over that my primary goal is to get to the end of the month uninjured (which I don't think I technically am YET) and that any and every other exercise-related goal is secondary. 

I also tried, while I was walking, to focus on being grateful for the knowledge that, whatever I've done, it can't be TOO serious, or I wouldn't be walking at all; and that at the end of the day, seen from the vantage of a long-term training plan, a couple of days out is far from the end of the world. And to be honest, that helped a little - plus I suspect just getting outside and doing something, even if it wasn't the run I'd planned, helped to play whack-a-mole with the brain squirrels that had survived the night.

I'm not sure whether I want to ask for support or a kick up the attitude here.  Maybe both? Intellectually, I know that comparisons between myself and others are less than useless. I know that having to take a few days out because I might have pushed things too hard is much better than having to take a few weeks (or gods help me, MONTHS) out because I didn't listen to my body when it first told me I'd pushed things too hard.  I know these things, but I'm having difficulty believing them deep down, because my brain squirrels' chitterings and chatterings keep on drowning the knowledge out.

What brain squirrels do you find yourself dealing with on a regular basis? And what do you do to quiet them down?

And now for something totally different: FMM question

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Kenz over at All the Weigh has a Monday tradition: FMM, or Friend Making Monday.  She posts a question that she invites anyone interested to comment on, and answer on their blog, and then visit and comment other other answerers' blogs.

This week's question is "What have you got on your DVR?"

Now, scarily enough, I'm not tech-savvy enough to actually OWN a DVR at this point in time, but I do have a metric frakload of DVD series that I'm watching, so I shall answer using those, on the basis that it's the same kind of thing.

1. CSI Miami: Don't ask me why, other than that I'm enjoying hurling abuse at the poor forensic science and Horatio's constant smug hokey-kokey with his sunglasses.  But it's brainless fluff, and there's the occasional pretty worth leching over.
2. Dollhouse: My s2 DVDs FINALLY turned up, and I'm lovin' me some twisted Jossian awesomeness. Also, neither Eliza Dushku nor Tamoh Penikett are exactly hard on the eyes. And Enver Gjokaj out-acts the entire planet in every single episode. What's not to like?
3. Burn Notice: Just finished watching s3 and itching to get my hands on s4. This is the perfect balance, for me, between warm, fluffy silliness and actual occasional edgy grit. Plus?  Dear gods, Jeffrey Donovan can MOVE during fight scenes. And I have a soft spot for Fi and Sam too.
4. Magnificent Seven: (don't laugh) - my beloved husband loves this series, and I have to admit, it's grown on me since we started watching it together. Plus, hey, again, neither Michael Biehn nor a young Eric Close are a sacrifice to watch (are we sensing a theme here?)
5. Criminal Minds: ZOMG... the writing. The acting. The complexity. The sheer awesomeness. This is the first of the ones I've mentioned where the pretty (nice as it is) comes in a distant last behind all the other awesome-itude. If only more TV was like this.

How about you? What are you watching (on DVR, DVD or actual TV) right now?

W1 Weigh-in: Woohooo - Happy Starfire is Happy

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Wheeeee - I just stepped off the scales from my weekly weigh-in, and today, they appear to be my friend (must be all that exercise craziness I did last week!)

Results today? 81.7kg, baby! (that'd be 179.7lb for those in the States). I was hoping to break 82 by the end of November, so that's that goal well and truly met AS LONG AS I can maintain it until the end of November and not end up going back up a little for the next two weeks... and hey, with the insane way my body fluctuates sometimes, that's not beyond the realms of possibility.

Also, this week's going to be a little less active than last week was, given that I'll be away for a wedding over the coming weekend, and even if I wasn't, I actually want to do a lower mileage week this week to give my joints some downtime after everything I put them through last week.  So that's me attempting to rock the scales of balance, as well as the scales of weight!

But yeah. For the moment, I'm feeling REALLY good about this result :-D

Running (and everything else) roundup - Week 1

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My exercise goal for each week in November was 2,500cal worth of exercise burn, and I'm deliriously happy to report that I more than exceeded that this week.  I was also aiming to cover at least 40km between walking and running each week.

NOTE: when I call something a "running session" below, I'm really not running the whole way. Basically, I'm working my way through the Bridge to 10k programme, or at least a modified version thereof, so my running sessions are actually broken up into 3 sets of x-minute runs, separated out with with a 1-2 minute walk. Session times also incorporate my warmup and cooldown walking time. That said, ladies and gents, allow me to present my Week 1 in review:

• Monday 8 Nov:  morning 7.3km running session; evening Jillian Michaels cardio + yoga DVDs. Daily burn: 1,103
• Tuesday 9 Nov: 5.5km walk. Daily burn: 356
• Wednesday 10 Nov: morning 7.3km running session; evening 8.5km walk with a friend. Daily burn: 1,127
• Thursday 11 Nov: REST DAY (needed like whoah)
• Friday 12 Nov: morning 7.9km running sesssion; evening, Bob Harper strength training DVD. Daily burn: 991
• Saturday 13 Nov: 9.6km walk doing errands: Daily burn 628
• Sunday 14 Nov: 11.6km running session, incorporating Kelly's 5k challenge. Daily burn: 844

So for my overall week's exercise, I did 9 sessions, with a combined total of 4,049 calories. Yeah, I think I rocked that goal. I also covered 58km, of which distance I actually ran a little over 24km.  *blinks*  WHOAH. Seriously? That's... kinda crazy.

I think this week is going to be a bit more sedate. For a start, this weekend I have a wedding to go to in another city, so I'll probably get to exercise Saturday OR Sunday, but not both.  Also, I suspect that given that I've increased my mileage from 43km last week to 58km this week, it would behoove me to make sure I do a lower mileage week before my joints put in a complaint to their union rep.  I also expect to have more than one rest day this week, which is probably no bad thing from a balance viewpoint either.

That said, I still want to aim for somewhere around that 40km mark. There are several Daily Mile challenges I've signed myself up to - not to mention the HBBC (Holiday Bootie Buster Challenge), whose logo you'll see on the righthand panel of this blog - so while I want to reduce the total distance, I don't want to drop it tooo far unless my body starts genuinely telling me it needs me to.

So that was my week. How did everyone else go with their exercise goals?

Finding the time to exercise without getting unbalanced

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I was out having lunch with my best friend today, and talking about questions that other people had asked us.

"What I really want to know," she said, turning to me, "is how on earth you find the time to do all the exercise. How do you fit it all in?"

It's a really good question, with a very simple, if not a satisfying, answer.  I don't. I don't fit it all in.  I don't even have very good excuses for not fitting it all in - I don't, after all, have kids or other dependents to look after.  I'm lazy as hell when it comes to stuff around the house - it's pretty much the "bare minimum" I can get away with to keep things hygienic and not TOO stressful when I finally do have to get around to dealing with them.  I don't work incredibly long hours at my job.  I don't have huge demands on my time, at this point in my life, from anything I don't choose to accept.

And even with the incredibly limited responsibilities and time-sinks I have in my life, I can't do it all. And when I finally get my butt into gear and get exercising the way I love to (which is, I'll freely admit, *a lot*), I can't keep doing all of the few things that I was doing before. Something's gotta give. So I let it. I read less. I watch fewer DVDs. I see less of my friends (or at least, I did last time I started on an exercise kick... this time around I've had about 2-3 years of being a hermit, so it's less of an issue).  And, gods help me, I sleep less. It becomes a tradeoff for me. I only get one shot at using a given chunk of time. So it ends up coming down to the question of how do I want to use it to do myself the most long-term good?  And when I'm on an exercise kick the way I am now, the answer to that question is almost always "by moving my body".

It's really easy to let that get out of balance. Y'know the juggling metaphor where all the parts of your life are balls you have to juggle, and some you can afford to drop and just pick back up again, and some you can't because they'll break? Part of me suspects I'm actually heading in the direction of out-of-balance exercising at the moment, and that I should probably dial it back a bit - not because I'm on the verge of injuring myself or overtraining or anything, but because I can feel myself dropping balls that I could be juggling instead of exercising... and some of those balls may well be breakables ones I don't want to allow myself to shatter.

But damnit, I *like* moving this much. I *like* feeling all strong and active and mobile. I *like* taking all this time out for me.  I guess the question is whether it's sustainable, and whether the endorphin rush I get and the fact that I feel good about all the activity IS actually a valid tradeoff for the long-term consequences of dropping any balls. 

So I'm curious: how do you attempt to balance the "right" amount of exercise in your life with everything else that you have going on?  Do you wish you could do more? Worry you're doing too much? Or are you pretty much happy with where you are right now?

To quote the Corrs: "Give me a reason"

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I've been meaning to make this post for a while now, and Dani's post over at Battle of the Bulge about the things that have improved in her life since she lost weight has prompted me to get my thoughts out of my brain and down on screen.

Why exactly do I want to do this weight loss journey?

See, the first time I lost a huge amount of weight, back in my teenage years, I knew exactly what I wanted on the surface. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be able to wear skinny clothes. I wanted to finally, finally, finally look good, in a way my teenage brain had come to the conclusion that a fat girl never could.  Let's just ignore the fact that churning away below the surface, I also wanted some vestige of control over my life - control that had been ripped away first first by sexual abuse from a family friend, then the early death of my mother days before my 17th birthday, and then my Dad's remarriage to a woman who... well, let's say she had a host of psychological issues with long, interesting, polysyllabic names, and leave it at that.

The second time, I was older and wiser. Or so I tried to tell myself.  I was in my late 20s. This time I didn't want to be "skinny".  I didn't want to be "thin".  I wanted to be "strong". I wanted to be "fit".  I wanted to be "healthy".  But at the root of it all, I really wanted to be able to wear leather pants and short skirts and the odd corset or midriff top and look HOT in them (once again, at the back of my mind "in the way a fat girl can't").  The affirmations I said to myself were all around the numbers on the scale and the size on the garment label. And again, in a new country, in a job that I had ethical issues with, feeling out of control with pretty much everything else, I wanted control, damnit. Yeah, that ended predictably too, although at least I got to my goals by adding compulsive exercise in with my crash dieting. Which meant I at least I *looked* healthy.

So you can understand why, despite having been on my weightloss journey for slightly over a year now, I've been absolutely loathe to focus on the way I looked as the reason for my journey.  I've worked hard, over the past years, to try to change my core belief to one where beauty is a matter of attitude and confidence and strength, and not a matter of size. And I've tried my hardest to be beautiful with what I have and who I am - not holding out with the belief that I can't be until I meet a given set of numbers.  So instead, I took a functional goal I was aiming for - to complete the 100km Trailwalker 2011 walk - and convinced myself that I'd do a far better job of it than I'd done the first time around (wherein I got to KM#88, but couldn't finish the full 100) if I did it at a lower weight.

Which was all well and good, except that... well... Trailwalker 2011 isn't happening any more. I didn't manage to pull a team together for it, and it's something you can't do unless you can find three other suckers... willing volunteers... as crazy as you are.  And I couldn't. So now I'm left without my original reason for losing weight... but still feeling, very strongly, that I want to continue with the journey.  And I thought it was about time I started exploring why - what the reasons that are relevant to me now are.

Here are the ones that come to mind:

• Running more easily: I'm not entirely sure whether this is just my mind replacing one functional goal with another, but I'm enjoying the hell out of this "being able to run when I've never been able to before" thing.  I'm booked into 7 (count 'em *7*) 10k races from this December through to July next year, and then a half-marathon in August. And just as with Trailwalker, I just can't help thinking that the less excess weight my body is carrying, the easier I'm going to find it to run.
• The joy of *muscles*: I'm one of these women who puts on muscle really easily when I do any kind of resistance work. I love that about my body. I love that it makes me feel strong. And I love watching muscle move under the surface of my skin when I move. It's not about getting super lean and ripped or going all bodybuilder or anything (not that there's anything wrong with that if that's what floats your boat, but it's not a Starfire thing).  I just like seeing my own muscles. And yeah - I can see my muscles more easily when they're not hiding under ~47% bodyfat.  So losing weight *sensibly* can help me with that.
• The health benefits: I'm torn here. I *know* the research is conflicting, and that overweight women with healthy habits are likely to be healthier than average-weight women who live unhealthily.  But here's the thing. My genes give me a history of obesity on both sides of the family tree. My mum died of breast cancer before she hit 40. My dad has had to deal with heart disease, heart attacks and diabetes. Various cousins and aunts and uncles have or have had a laundry list of cancers and other ills.  If I live my life in a way that allows me to become or stay severely overweight, I'm *not* likely to be any different.  And people, I *CHOOSE* to be different.  I love my family, but I do not want their health issues.
• The looking hot thing: yeah, I debated with myself back and forth whether I was allowed to include this as a reason. What about beauty not being a matter of size, hmmmm?  What about the danger of focussing on looks to the detriment of everything else? Because, y'know, that's worked so well for me before.  Here's the thing. It is a reason for me.  I don't do myself any favours by pretending it isn't.  Despite the stupid practices I used to get there, I *loved* the way I looked when I lost the weight the last time.  I loved what I saw in the mirror - the strength and the lines of my body. I loved being able to wear size 12 (s8-10 American) leather pants.  I loved knowing guys - or girls - were looking at me and liking what they saw. I loved it. I'm vain that way. And gods above and below help me, I want that again. But I *DON'T* want it at the expense of all the other reasons, and I think I'm finally in a place (please? maybe? pretty please?) where I'm strong enough in myself that that's never going to be my most important reason again.
• The not being embarrassed about my body thing:  ooooohhhhh, I'm opening up a can of worms with this one. I know I am. I *hate* the concept that I have to be a certain weight or shape before I can be proud of my body. I don't want to be that shallow - that... conditioned by the media and what's supposed to be conventionally beautiful. But here's the thing.  I am. There was a day a couple of years back where I found myself making excuses to avoid going swimming with good friends because I couldn't face the idea of being in a swimsuit in front of them. Summer after summer, I wear long trousers and ankle length skirts because I can't handle anything that shows my balloony, swollen legs.  The ironic thing is that losing weight won't actually help with that last (it's a lymphatic condition, apparently). But the more things I have to be actively proud of in my body, the less I focus on the things I don't like.  And so yeah. This reason makes the list too.
• And finally? Because I've never been able to lose weight healthily and keep it off before:  I really, really don't like admitting defeat and accepting that just I can't do some things. That doesn't mean I don't have to do it sometimes - there are a whole host of instances where acceptance of my limitations is my only healthy option. But I haven't learned to like it yet, and part of me prays I never do.  I was the same way with running. For the longest time, I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that my body just wasn't built to run. I found lots of other things I could do instead.  Every now and then I tried. And failed. And injured myself. Which just proved I couldn't do it.  And then? After 37 years of knowing I couldn't run, I found Couch-2-5k. And suddenly, hey, look at me! I'm running! For interval sessions that last an hour!  I can do it! Finally, at last, I can do it!  And part of me wants to know... is losing weight and healthily, sanely getting to a size that I'm 100% comfortable with seeing in the mirror (and then maintaining it) going to be another thing I knew I couldn't do, but yet somehow I manage to anyway?

Y'know, when I go deep down and look at my motivations, I think it's that last one that really fires me up.  It's not about losing weight for a specific occasion (although I can think of plenty of them if I really want to).  It's not about being able to get into - or back into - clothes of a given size, or seeing a particular number on the scale. 

It's about proving myself wrong for every time I've said "I just can't do it" in the past.  It's about working towards something that's hard because if I just kept taking the easy way, I wouldn't in all honesty - be living the life I want to live. It's about stopping lying to myself about what I really want; and starting to become the best, strongest, most in-integrity me I can be.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm staying on the weight loss journey.  How about you? 

So *that's* sports massage, hmmmm? OW!

Image courtesy of the Stock Exchange

Mary, over at A Merry Life, asks what lessons life's taught us today.  And I think that what *I* learned is today that Sports Massages can create some serious OUCH if you let them.

See, I figured that now that I was running regularly (for "regularly", read: sessions of approximately an hour, three times a week), organising a regular sports massage every now and then might be a smart move from an injury-prevention viewpoint.  I'd already noticed a tendency towards stiffness and soreness in certain muscle groups - despite a pretty thorough stretching routine that I follow religiously after running. It's not at the injury stage yet - for a start, it tends to be stiff and sore at the beginning of a run, then gradually ease up over the first 20 min or so of a session - but I can see it getting there if I ignore it.

So on Tuesday night, I hie'd me off to my physio (I think that's what folks in the States call a physical therapist, although the parallel may not be exact), who's also a qualified sports massage therapist, and asked what he thought would be needful, given the background.  I figured he'd be an ideal person to work with, since he's already worked with me through two separate injuries and he knows my history.  He asked a lot of intelligent questions - got me to contort in various ways to test my current flexibility in the affected muscle groups - and suggested a half-hour massage that started with my adductors and hip flexors, where most of the stiffness and soreness was, then moved around to my quads, IT band, and finally settled on my hamstrings... a kind of "round the world" trip of my thighs, if you will.  That sounded reasonable to me, so I hopped up on the table.

That's when the pain started.

Let me be clear... I'd been warned in advance from other runners that sports massages were NOT like the relaxing, soothing massages many people are familiar with.  Especially the first time you have one, if your muscles are a mass of knots and tension, these things can be bloody uncomfortable. And when I'm not being all paranoid-hypochnondria-girl about any discomfort I'm feeling being a sign of a potential injury, I actually have a pretty high pain tolerance, so that didn't scare me off.  I'd told my physio this during the initial consult, and pretty much given him carte blanche to do what my muscles needed, promising that if it really was too much for me to handle, I'd tell him, but otherwise I'd just aim to breathe through it.

So he took me at my word.  And wow. Ow. I'm pretty sure that session was the closest I've ever come to safewording in a professional setting ;-)  The session never actual *hit* my pain tolerance level, but it skirted very near the edges a few times - and yeah, I always let my physio know when we were getting close, on the basis that it was probably something he needed to be aware of to do his job.

Once it was over, though, my leg muscles were literally humming. Sore, but humming.  Yeah, there may have also been one or two endorphins involved, because my wiring's just crossed that way - such is life. So I figured it was all good - till I got home a couple of hours later and saw all the bruising. The vivid, dark, mottled bruising. All up and down the inside of one leg, and a little on the outside of both. Ow. Wow. I don't think my inner thighs have *ever* gone that colour before.

To be honest, I freaked a bit - wondering if I should have said something sooner to the physio, rather than trying to tough it out on the table - wondering if something had gone horribly, horribly wrong (basically, I instantly turned into paranoid-hypochondria-girl for a bit).  Some discussion on the LJ Runners group I'm part of reassured me that bruising certainly isn't unheard of after a  sports massage - some people found they bruised every time they had one, others just the first time. So that was a bit of a relief.  But I still called my physio just to let him know what had happened and we agreed that while it's nothing to panic about, nonetheless, next time (and yes, there's absolutely going to be a next time) , I'll get him to take it just a wee bit more gently.

Meanwhile, it made running yesterday morning, and walking today more than just a little painful. Ow. Just OWWWW.  Especially anywhere I came to a change in gradient, for some reason - and given that my route covers quite a few hills, that was fairly regularly.  It also slowed down my pace considerably for both sessions - although with both of them, I ended the session feeling way better than I'd started it, so I don't regret going out.

So yeah. I think, if someone was asking me whether or not to get a sports massage, I'd recommend it, but only if:

• ... they knew exactly why they were getting it done (in my case, because I think there's a good chance it'll lower my chance of injuring myself)
• ... they had a massage therapist they could trust and felt 100% comfortable communicating with to say that something was too much or too hard WITHOUT it being a huge deal
• ... they were prepared for it to be uncomfortable (and possibly actually hurt), not just during the massage, but possibly for a couple of days afterwards too

Have you ever had a sports massage done? If so, what was your experience?

Podcast Review: Inside Out Weight Loss by Renee Stephens

Image courtesy of the Stock Exchange

I'll preface this review  by stating something that will probably be obvious from my profile - I'm a little weird. I spent most of my adult life as an Eclectic Pagan (right down to the pentacle tat over my heart chakra) - I'm not actually sure if that identity label still applies to me now, but I haven't found a better one yet, so I'll hang onto it for the moment. I do, however, still have a strong belief in the interconnectedness of mind, body and spirt; and I still use the word "energy" in a way that makes my friend, who has a doctorate in physics (the orthodox kind of physics, NOT the new age kind, and yeah, they're different), visibly twitch.

All of which explains why the whole concept of the Inside Out Weight Loss podcasts by Renee Stephens works so well for me. Caveat Emptor - your mileage may well vary.


THE BIG CONCEPT: PODCAST OVERVIEW

Inside Out Weight Loss (IOWL) is a very different kind of podcast to many of those I've found on iTunes (my primary podcast source).  It's about weight loss and fitness, yes, but it almost never talks about food or exercise. And before you roll your eyes, that's not because the host, Renee Stephens, thinks they're not important; but as she so frequently says, there are plenty of other podcasts out there that cover nutrition, diet plans, ways to move your body, and the physical aspects of losing weight.  What's missing - although some podcasts do touch on this, none seem to focus on it - is something that looks at the inner journey.

Here's the rationale. Most of us who've tried to lose weight over and over aren't missing information. We *know* what to do - we know what's good for our bodies and what isn't.  We just don't do it. Merely throwing more information at ourselves means we just have more information we don't do anything with.  Inside Out Weight Loss, on the other hand, starts from the inside. Episode by episode, it helps us to explore the reasons we overeat (or eat badly) and underexercise in the first place, and then gives us practical tools - often involving NLP and/or hypnosis techniques - to make inner changes.


THE DETAILS: LENGTH, STRUCTURE AND COST

Most podcasts are about 20-25 minutes long, split in two with an ad for something (usually one of the products on Renee's site) in the middle.  As of writing this review, all podcasts - including those in the archives - are completely free.



HOW LONG I'VE BEEN LISTENING

Probably about a year now. This is one that I expect to stick with because I really do get a lot out of it. I try to listen to each episode as it comes out, and I've taken to going back through the archives and listening to the early episodes as well, since they have a lot of good information in them, and they make great companions when I'm walking or driving.



WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT


First up, I like the whole concept of IOWL. As someone who believes that mind, body and spirit are all bound up together, I don't see nearly enough podcasts that work from - or even acknowledge - this viewpoint. Most of them are way too caught up in how to do particular exercises, or which diet plan works best for what result.  Secondly, I like that - for me at least - despite being about inner work, Renee rarely goes off into what I call "affirmation-land". Change in IOWL is actually about doing inner work and letting the changes flow through to behaviour in the outer world. I'ts not about telling yourself everything is perfect when it's clearly not, or writing affirmations on your mirror and expecting changes to somehow magically happen.

I should also mention that I like Renee herself, as a host.  She comes off as a warm, caring, sincere person with a great sense of energy to her voice; and she's not afraid to talk about her own screwups or historical issues (and oh yeah, she has them) to illustrate some of her points. At times, her energy can almost seem too much to me, but that's probably just a culture clash with me being a Kiwi, since I've had the same feeling from other American podcasters as well.



WHAT I'M NOT SO KEEN ON 


The only real criticism I have of these podcasts is a minor niggle - the structure doesn't work for me.  I know from a marketing psychology viewpoint exactly why they're structured as they are, and I know Renee is running a business and don't begrudge her that. That said, I find that dropping me out of the flow of the podcast to tell me about one of the products and then trying to just pick up where we left off feels... jarring - especially in an otherwise relaxing podcast - and so far, it hasn't convinced me to try any of the products.



WHERE YOU CAN CHECK IT OUT

IOWL is available over on iTunes - in fact, it was the top result to come up when I did a search on "weight loss and fitness podcasts", which says something.  Or, if you don't have iTunes, you can find the podcasts (all the way back to Episode 0) over on her website at Personal Life Media.com.


So, what (if any) podcasts do you listen to regularly?