Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ups and Downs - c'est la vie, I guess


Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1093387

The past few days have been a mixed bag when it comes to diet and exercise.

For a start, something I ate Friday night violently disagreed with me all night (and much of Saturday) which had both positive and negative repercussions. On the (sort of) positive side, I pretty much didn't eat anything all Saturday. On the (definitely) negative side, after almost no sleep and the aforementioned inability to eat anything, I was also in no condition to go hiking with my team for our Trailwalker training walk either.

Sunday saw me all but recovered though, so I decided to go for a long-ish walk within the city on my own, and went for a wander around to a friend's place. The route ended up being 11.5km (I have no idea what that is in miles... I'm guessing somewhere around 7 1/2) over mild hilly terrain; and including the time it took me to stop and wait for various lights to change, it was just under 3 hours, with a calorie burn of 1,150.

I was semi-healthy eating-wise for the day as well - certainly I could have done better, but I could have done a lot worse as well. So I'm officially writing the weekend up as a partial victory.

Monday was a complete rest day from exercise - mainly because I was having something called an 'oesophageal manometry and 24-hour impedance study' done to see if they can narrow down the cause of the cough o' doom that's been plaguing me and stopping me sleeping since back in January now. This involve sticking tubes down my nose and throat and leaving them there for 24 hours, then instructing me to 'go away and do everything I'd normally do'. Unfortunately, many of the things I'd normally do (including eating normally) were rendered impossible by the dificulty swallowing, talking and breathing around the damn tube... so I ended up eating less, and more slowly than I normally would... which probably isn't a bad thing.

Yesterday I had the tube taken out, and spent the day waiting for the resultant soreness in the back of my throat to pass. Which meant I didn't eat as much as I normally would (again), but at the same time, also meant I didn't make it to the gym. I did, however, walk in to work and back, so with that and my usual wandering around in the course of daily life, I managed to clock 4km on the pedometer: not great, but far better than nothing.

I'd planned on going to boxing this morning, but to be honest, when the alarm went off at 5.15, I was just in no condition push myself. So I promised myself I'd walk in to work again today (and maybe walk home again for lunch if the weather doesn't pack in). Work and back twice will give me a total of 6km for the day, before daily wanderings are added into the mix. So if I can do that and then use today as a chance to focus in on my eating... eating mindfully and choosing foods that are more healthy, rather than less; I think that overall, I'll be able to chalk up the day on the side of success.

Blessings


Starfire

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Back from my walk and feeling a little more positive

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1076161


Exercise doesn't always help me kick myself up the attitude and throw off the lies that the depression tries to whisper into my mind... but it works more often than not.

Partly it's physical: a result of the endorphins that getting out, getting my blood flowing and my lungs working, produces.

Partly, it's pure psychology. Exercise is both a weapon in my arsenal, and a result in and of itself. I feel strong and dedicated while I'm doing it, and accomplished after it's finished. And if I hurt a little bit afterwards... sore muscles, blisters, bruised knuckles if I've been careless with my boxing wraps... well, that's all the better, truth be known. I like having physical reminders that I've pushed myself hard afterwards... they're like a sensory reminder that I've achieved something.

This evening, I'm delighted to say, I have all the sensory reminders I could wish for. This was the first long walk I'd done in these particular shoes, and dear gods, have I given myself blisters! Two on one heel, one long one down the blade of my foot, and another raw-but-not-broken-skin patch that may or may not blister on my instep. Wow. I know I should say, 'ooops', but I'm too damn busy being proud of myself.

And I'm pretty pleased with the walk numbers-wise as well. I used both my pedometer and my heart rate monitor while I walked (I love numbers, and I love gadgets that track things for me). In the 2 1/2 hours (2 really, when you take out the 1/2 hour for grocery shopping) I spent walking, I covered 7.75km (just under 5 miles, I think). There were a fair few hills - some reasonably steep - in the route, so I'm happy with the pace of just under 4km an hour. Plus, I spent the half-hour walk back from the supermarket humping 10kg (22 lb) of groceries in my backpack, so that slowed me a little on the way back, and amped up the calorie burn.

Speaking of which, my heart rate monitor informs me this was 1,150 calories worth of exercise, so I am, I think, well pleased with myself. Plus that means I'm now sitting on 26km for the week; so with the walk to and from work tomorrow, and a little venture out at lunchtime, I'll actually make my 30km target this week - w00t!

Tonight's route took me around many of the streets in my neighbourhood initially. I live in one of those border areas that has the wealthy on one side, and the... not quite so wealthy... on the other. My route took me through parts of both, and I spent some time just being with the contrast. From there, it took me up through Cornwall Park, which is a gorgeous part of Auckland that I'm blessed to live near, and I enjoyed the Spring growth on the giant oaks and puriris I walked past; and the unbelievably cute lambs, out grazing with their mothers (and wow, they've grown since I was last up there!)

*soft smile* - and yes, that's the kind of feeling of achievement and balance I get from exercise that tends to just steamroll all over whatever the depression is trying to tell me about myself - all the anger and the frustration and the fear and the not-good-enough-ness.

It doesn't always work, of course. Nor does it last. But I'm glad it's worked tonight; and I'm grateful that, for this moment at least, I feel balanced and content.

Blessings


Starfire

The Obligatory Intro Post... (aka the history of me 'n' my weight)

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/744491


Weight.

It's something I've struggled with since I was 10 years old (I was overweight before then too, but up til then, I was blissfully unaware of the fact). Both my parents were overweight. My aunt, and many of my cousins too. I think it's fair to say that 'fat genes' run in my family.

The first time I *really* tried doing something about it (other than just crying myself to sleep at night, that is), I was 18. My mother had died, my father had remarried, I was trying to cope with my first year at university, my world was in chaos, and the one thing it felt like I *could* control was my eating. I think it hit me overnight - the easiest way to lose weight was just to stop eating. Which was pretty much what I did... and *WOW* didn't the weight come off - I think I lost 15kg (35-or-so lb) in about 8 weeks. It wasn't healthy or sustainable, of course, but it was dramatic - and the compliments flowed in.

It ended when I started seeing a counsellor because my father was getting seriously worried about me (plus there were other issues I was dealing with as well), and I started eating again... at which point, of course, the weight came back on. Over the next 5 years, there'd be more yo-yo dieting, along with a few bouts of compulsive exercising thrown in just for good measure. None of which lasted. None of which helped.

Then I travelled to the UK. I started working nights, which made it really easy for me to eat what I wanted, when I wanted; and lie about it if I had to. I started playing with motivation and goalsetting - listening to Tony Robbins - and basically, started believing that I could achieve anything I wanted to... and what I wanted was to be rid of the damn weight!

So, I took out a gym membership, and started exercising anything from up to two-and-a-half hours a day - offpeak rates are great when you're doing nightshifts. I drastically cut my calories (aiming for about 1,200 a day, but going under that on a semi regular basis). And surprise, surprise, the weight came off again! I was exhausted, bitchy and hyper-emotional, and no-one in their right minds could call my life balanced - but hey, I'd gone from a size 18 (US 16) to a size 12 (US 10), and I could see the muscles in my arms and abs, so I considered it a fantastic tradeoff.

I swore I'd never go back to being overweight... but like the man says, life is what happens while you're making other plans. I got back to New Zealand, back around people who cared far more about the person I was inside than what I looked like (and not coincidentally, many of them fairly curvy themselves), and slowly but surely, the weight came back on.

I've been back home just on 5 years now, and I've gone from 70kg (154 lb) when I got back, to 90kg again. I'm working days, so I don't have the time to exercise like I used to (and I'm not prepared to get that out of balance with my life again, truth be told) although I'm still going to the gym 2-3 times a week on a good week, plus walking to work and back when I can. The truth is that it's my diet that's letting me down the most (although more exercise wouldn't hurt), and I know it.

I keep getting to this 'all right, enough is enough, I need to DO something about this' point... and I manage to keep it going for a few days (or a few weeks if I'm lucky), and then *something* happens. Or I focus on the exercise - get moving again - love it - enjoy myself - and then manage to injure myself yet again, or come down with a some form of lurgy (or my favourite this year - a chronic cough that repeatedly wakes me up doubled over in the middle of the night, wrecking my sleep for months on end). It's a vicious cycle - the extra weight isn't helping the cough, and the cough is trashing my energy levels, which leaves me too exhausted to work out, and heading for the comfort food and the caffeine.

*sigh*

I want to do this healthily, and in a balanced way, but sometimes I despair that I'm ever going to be able to. Sometimes I seriously feel like I've screwed it up so badly with this life that the only logical thing to do is just check out and hope I manage to do it better next time around. All the positive thinking and the mind games and success mindset deserts me... and there's just me, failing again. Yeah... that's the depression talking... I fight with it occasionally when it tries to ambush me, especially around *that* time of the month. It's OK... we're old friends, it and I. I generally win (I have a few tools in my arsenal), but it can have me believing some pretty ugly stuff about myself in the struggle.

So anyway. I'm taking a deep breath now, and starting again with this blog. I don't want to make huge sweeping changes - experience has shown me that they never last, however great they may feel when I start them. I do, however, want to make better, healthier choices - moment by moment, choice by choice, more often; rather than less often. I want to slowly get more fresh stuff into my diet - more water - less sugar and less caffeine.

And I want to get more exercise. Seriously. It's one of the few things that REALLY makes me feel good about myself - when I can look in the mirror and think, hey, I may not be the most fit looking lass around, but damn, at least I'm strong! Besides which, I'm kind of committed to getting more walking in now... I'm part of a team that's intending to do the the Oxfam Trailwalker next April - a hike of 100km in 36 hours. Which means sitting around on my posterior over the next 6 months really ain't an option.

I'm going walking with my team in the weekends at the moment: we did a 6km hill hike (3 hours worth) the weekend before last, and a 10km one (4 hours worth) last weekend. I need to start supplementing that with midweek training though, or I'm going to start getting injuries. Plus there are boxing and Spin classes that I love doing at the gym... and of course, general strength training and stretching/relaxation. My body needs it all, and damn, I miss the days when I could fit it all in during the week!

Anyway, I'm hoping the training and discipline I'm going to need in the leadup to that is going to help me get my eating under control as well. Hoping - although the depression that's trying to do my thinking for me right now is saying that I don't have a show in hell of managing either the Trailwalker or the eating thing.

Join me on my journey, while I try to prove it wrong?

Blessings



Starfire


PS - And having said all that about midweek training, I really need to get out now and get some done. I'm aiming to walk 30km this week, and the counter is only currently sitting at 19.

I need to go get some (healthy!) groceries, so I'm thinking that rather than taking the car, I'll slip my backpack on, go for a long wander up around the local park, and come back via the supermarket. If I can manage 8km today, and then another 3 to and from work tomorrow?

That's my 30 klicks! WOOT!
:-)