Chalking today up for a win on SO many levels

Image courtesy of The Stock Exchange

Today was a good day. Not just exercise and eating-wise, but on other levels too.

A couple of friends were having their "minus-1th" anniversary do - which, translated, means that they've finally set their wedding date for this time next year, and since they didn't have an engagement party? Well, this is going to be their Minus-1 anniversary!

The party took the form of a casual meetup at Mission Bay - one of Auckland's beautiful beaches - sitting around, chatting, singing, eating, enjoying the sunlight (with sunblock, of course). And while I was looking forward to catching up with folk I hadn't seen in a while, I wasn't sure how well I was going to be able to deal with all the omnipresent junk food I was almost certain was going to be there.

So I sat down, beforehand, and had a think about strategy. What did I want to end the day having actually done? What did I *really* want to enjoy if I had the opportunity, and what could I happily sacrifice to stay in balance?  What could I do in advance to make sure I wasn't likely to blow out, but if I did blow out, it wouldn't be a big drama?  And if I felt like using today as a treat day (because it felt like a good occasion to do so, given the context), what kinds of treats did I want to say yes to, and what other kinds did I want to say no to?

The first thing I decided was that I was going to walk there. If I took a direct route, I could get there in a little over 7km, but I decided that, since I hadn't organised a long walk this weekend, I might take advantage of being over in another part of town, and actually plot a twisty, turny route through some nice streets with some awesome views, and then along the waterfront to the beach where the meetup was happening. I was aiming to get something around 15km (9 miles and change), but the route I picked ended up a little under that. No worries, it was still a great walk - one that burned something in the realm of 900cal - and I enjoyed it immensely for its own sake.

Another major win about it, aside from the inherent enjoyment, was that it involved a couple of major hills, one of which was steep and long and had been a major slog (complete with gasping, wheezing and emphysemic budgie impressions) to walk up last time I did the route back in... February, I think.  This time? No worries. Yes, sure, I knew I was going uphill, but I didn't find myself having to slow down to deal with it; and according to my Garmin, my HR never broke 145 the entire way, which means my impression of finding  it easier this time wasn't just subjective.

Once I got there, the first person to greet me (someone who hasn't seen me in six months, and whose opinion means rather more to me than I'd like, but that's another story) sprang up to give me a hug and the first words out of her mouth, "Wow, you look FANTASTIC!"  I just stood there, hugging her for a moment, absorbing the compliment, and not feeling any desire to block it or shrug it off. It was... really nice.  And definitely another win.

Foodwise, I'm really happy with what I ate and the balance I managed to maintain. I took part in what I wanted of the unhealthy stuff while I was there, but only a little of each thing, making sure to enjoy each mouthful mindfully; and I grabbed a basically healthy lunch that still felt like a treat despite all the other tempting options on offer around me.

And for the most part? Food *wasn't* my internal focus during the gathering. I chatted to folks I hadn't seen in ages and caught up with what was happening in their lives. I sang when one of the guys brought out his guitar. I just enjoyed being *social* for a bit, after entirely too many months of not having the emotional spoons for larger gatherings.  That's quite an achievement too. See, previously, if social occasions coincided with a time that I'd been wrestling with the "beast" of my disordered eating episodes, the occasions would become all-or-nothing events where I either held onto my control over what I ate with white-knuckled, tightly-clenched fists... or I just threw it all away for an evening and had whatever was there, regardless of whether my body actually wanted it or not.  Either way, food ended up being my major focus the entire time I was there. Today wasn't like that.  I knew what I wanted the overall results of the day to be, and I was willing to trust my body to fill in the specifics by letting me know what it wanted me to do and when.

So yeah. Results?  I had an awesome walk, spent a lovely afternoon being social, AND I totally met my goals around eating, exercise and balance.  There's no way a day like that doesn't get chalked up as a win.

Back from my walk and feeling a little more positive

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1076161


Exercise doesn't always help me kick myself up the attitude and throw off the lies that the depression tries to whisper into my mind... but it works more often than not.

Partly it's physical: a result of the endorphins that getting out, getting my blood flowing and my lungs working, produces.

Partly, it's pure psychology. Exercise is both a weapon in my arsenal, and a result in and of itself. I feel strong and dedicated while I'm doing it, and accomplished after it's finished. And if I hurt a little bit afterwards... sore muscles, blisters, bruised knuckles if I've been careless with my boxing wraps... well, that's all the better, truth be known. I like having physical reminders that I've pushed myself hard afterwards... they're like a sensory reminder that I've achieved something.

This evening, I'm delighted to say, I have all the sensory reminders I could wish for. This was the first long walk I'd done in these particular shoes, and dear gods, have I given myself blisters! Two on one heel, one long one down the blade of my foot, and another raw-but-not-broken-skin patch that may or may not blister on my instep. Wow. I know I should say, 'ooops', but I'm too damn busy being proud of myself.

And I'm pretty pleased with the walk numbers-wise as well. I used both my pedometer and my heart rate monitor while I walked (I love numbers, and I love gadgets that track things for me). In the 2 1/2 hours (2 really, when you take out the 1/2 hour for grocery shopping) I spent walking, I covered 7.75km (just under 5 miles, I think). There were a fair few hills - some reasonably steep - in the route, so I'm happy with the pace of just under 4km an hour. Plus, I spent the half-hour walk back from the supermarket humping 10kg (22 lb) of groceries in my backpack, so that slowed me a little on the way back, and amped up the calorie burn.

Speaking of which, my heart rate monitor informs me this was 1,150 calories worth of exercise, so I am, I think, well pleased with myself. Plus that means I'm now sitting on 26km for the week; so with the walk to and from work tomorrow, and a little venture out at lunchtime, I'll actually make my 30km target this week - w00t!

Tonight's route took me around many of the streets in my neighbourhood initially. I live in one of those border areas that has the wealthy on one side, and the... not quite so wealthy... on the other. My route took me through parts of both, and I spent some time just being with the contrast. From there, it took me up through Cornwall Park, which is a gorgeous part of Auckland that I'm blessed to live near, and I enjoyed the Spring growth on the giant oaks and puriris I walked past; and the unbelievably cute lambs, out grazing with their mothers (and wow, they've grown since I was last up there!)

*soft smile* - and yes, that's the kind of feeling of achievement and balance I get from exercise that tends to just steamroll all over whatever the depression is trying to tell me about myself - all the anger and the frustration and the fear and the not-good-enough-ness.

It doesn't always work, of course. Nor does it last. But I'm glad it's worked tonight; and I'm grateful that, for this moment at least, I feel balanced and content.

Blessings


Starfire

The Obligatory Intro Post... (aka the history of me 'n' my weight)

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/744491


Weight.

It's something I've struggled with since I was 10 years old (I was overweight before then too, but up til then, I was blissfully unaware of the fact). Both my parents were overweight. My aunt, and many of my cousins too. I think it's fair to say that 'fat genes' run in my family.

The first time I *really* tried doing something about it (other than just crying myself to sleep at night, that is), I was 18. My mother had died, my father had remarried, I was trying to cope with my first year at university, my world was in chaos, and the one thing it felt like I *could* control was my eating. I think it hit me overnight - the easiest way to lose weight was just to stop eating. Which was pretty much what I did... and *WOW* didn't the weight come off - I think I lost 15kg (35-or-so lb) in about 8 weeks. It wasn't healthy or sustainable, of course, but it was dramatic - and the compliments flowed in.

It ended when I started seeing a counsellor because my father was getting seriously worried about me (plus there were other issues I was dealing with as well), and I started eating again... at which point, of course, the weight came back on. Over the next 5 years, there'd be more yo-yo dieting, along with a few bouts of compulsive exercising thrown in just for good measure. None of which lasted. None of which helped.

Then I travelled to the UK. I started working nights, which made it really easy for me to eat what I wanted, when I wanted; and lie about it if I had to. I started playing with motivation and goalsetting - listening to Tony Robbins - and basically, started believing that I could achieve anything I wanted to... and what I wanted was to be rid of the damn weight!

So, I took out a gym membership, and started exercising anything from up to two-and-a-half hours a day - offpeak rates are great when you're doing nightshifts. I drastically cut my calories (aiming for about 1,200 a day, but going under that on a semi regular basis). And surprise, surprise, the weight came off again! I was exhausted, bitchy and hyper-emotional, and no-one in their right minds could call my life balanced - but hey, I'd gone from a size 18 (US 16) to a size 12 (US 10), and I could see the muscles in my arms and abs, so I considered it a fantastic tradeoff.

I swore I'd never go back to being overweight... but like the man says, life is what happens while you're making other plans. I got back to New Zealand, back around people who cared far more about the person I was inside than what I looked like (and not coincidentally, many of them fairly curvy themselves), and slowly but surely, the weight came back on.

I've been back home just on 5 years now, and I've gone from 70kg (154 lb) when I got back, to 90kg again. I'm working days, so I don't have the time to exercise like I used to (and I'm not prepared to get that out of balance with my life again, truth be told) although I'm still going to the gym 2-3 times a week on a good week, plus walking to work and back when I can. The truth is that it's my diet that's letting me down the most (although more exercise wouldn't hurt), and I know it.

I keep getting to this 'all right, enough is enough, I need to DO something about this' point... and I manage to keep it going for a few days (or a few weeks if I'm lucky), and then *something* happens. Or I focus on the exercise - get moving again - love it - enjoy myself - and then manage to injure myself yet again, or come down with a some form of lurgy (or my favourite this year - a chronic cough that repeatedly wakes me up doubled over in the middle of the night, wrecking my sleep for months on end). It's a vicious cycle - the extra weight isn't helping the cough, and the cough is trashing my energy levels, which leaves me too exhausted to work out, and heading for the comfort food and the caffeine.

*sigh*

I want to do this healthily, and in a balanced way, but sometimes I despair that I'm ever going to be able to. Sometimes I seriously feel like I've screwed it up so badly with this life that the only logical thing to do is just check out and hope I manage to do it better next time around. All the positive thinking and the mind games and success mindset deserts me... and there's just me, failing again. Yeah... that's the depression talking... I fight with it occasionally when it tries to ambush me, especially around *that* time of the month. It's OK... we're old friends, it and I. I generally win (I have a few tools in my arsenal), but it can have me believing some pretty ugly stuff about myself in the struggle.

So anyway. I'm taking a deep breath now, and starting again with this blog. I don't want to make huge sweeping changes - experience has shown me that they never last, however great they may feel when I start them. I do, however, want to make better, healthier choices - moment by moment, choice by choice, more often; rather than less often. I want to slowly get more fresh stuff into my diet - more water - less sugar and less caffeine.

And I want to get more exercise. Seriously. It's one of the few things that REALLY makes me feel good about myself - when I can look in the mirror and think, hey, I may not be the most fit looking lass around, but damn, at least I'm strong! Besides which, I'm kind of committed to getting more walking in now... I'm part of a team that's intending to do the the Oxfam Trailwalker next April - a hike of 100km in 36 hours. Which means sitting around on my posterior over the next 6 months really ain't an option.

I'm going walking with my team in the weekends at the moment: we did a 6km hill hike (3 hours worth) the weekend before last, and a 10km one (4 hours worth) last weekend. I need to start supplementing that with midweek training though, or I'm going to start getting injuries. Plus there are boxing and Spin classes that I love doing at the gym... and of course, general strength training and stretching/relaxation. My body needs it all, and damn, I miss the days when I could fit it all in during the week!

Anyway, I'm hoping the training and discipline I'm going to need in the leadup to that is going to help me get my eating under control as well. Hoping - although the depression that's trying to do my thinking for me right now is saying that I don't have a show in hell of managing either the Trailwalker or the eating thing.

Join me on my journey, while I try to prove it wrong?

Blessings



Starfire


PS - And having said all that about midweek training, I really need to get out now and get some done. I'm aiming to walk 30km this week, and the counter is only currently sitting at 19.

I need to go get some (healthy!) groceries, so I'm thinking that rather than taking the car, I'll slip my backpack on, go for a long wander up around the local park, and come back via the supermarket. If I can manage 8km today, and then another 3 to and from work tomorrow?

That's my 30 klicks! WOOT!
:-)