The Obligatory Intro Post... (aka the history of me 'n' my weight)

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/744491


Weight.

It's something I've struggled with since I was 10 years old (I was overweight before then too, but up til then, I was blissfully unaware of the fact). Both my parents were overweight. My aunt, and many of my cousins too. I think it's fair to say that 'fat genes' run in my family.

The first time I *really* tried doing something about it (other than just crying myself to sleep at night, that is), I was 18. My mother had died, my father had remarried, I was trying to cope with my first year at university, my world was in chaos, and the one thing it felt like I *could* control was my eating. I think it hit me overnight - the easiest way to lose weight was just to stop eating. Which was pretty much what I did... and *WOW* didn't the weight come off - I think I lost 15kg (35-or-so lb) in about 8 weeks. It wasn't healthy or sustainable, of course, but it was dramatic - and the compliments flowed in.

It ended when I started seeing a counsellor because my father was getting seriously worried about me (plus there were other issues I was dealing with as well), and I started eating again... at which point, of course, the weight came back on. Over the next 5 years, there'd be more yo-yo dieting, along with a few bouts of compulsive exercising thrown in just for good measure. None of which lasted. None of which helped.

Then I travelled to the UK. I started working nights, which made it really easy for me to eat what I wanted, when I wanted; and lie about it if I had to. I started playing with motivation and goalsetting - listening to Tony Robbins - and basically, started believing that I could achieve anything I wanted to... and what I wanted was to be rid of the damn weight!

So, I took out a gym membership, and started exercising anything from up to two-and-a-half hours a day - offpeak rates are great when you're doing nightshifts. I drastically cut my calories (aiming for about 1,200 a day, but going under that on a semi regular basis). And surprise, surprise, the weight came off again! I was exhausted, bitchy and hyper-emotional, and no-one in their right minds could call my life balanced - but hey, I'd gone from a size 18 (US 16) to a size 12 (US 10), and I could see the muscles in my arms and abs, so I considered it a fantastic tradeoff.

I swore I'd never go back to being overweight... but like the man says, life is what happens while you're making other plans. I got back to New Zealand, back around people who cared far more about the person I was inside than what I looked like (and not coincidentally, many of them fairly curvy themselves), and slowly but surely, the weight came back on.

I've been back home just on 5 years now, and I've gone from 70kg (154 lb) when I got back, to 90kg again. I'm working days, so I don't have the time to exercise like I used to (and I'm not prepared to get that out of balance with my life again, truth be told) although I'm still going to the gym 2-3 times a week on a good week, plus walking to work and back when I can. The truth is that it's my diet that's letting me down the most (although more exercise wouldn't hurt), and I know it.

I keep getting to this 'all right, enough is enough, I need to DO something about this' point... and I manage to keep it going for a few days (or a few weeks if I'm lucky), and then *something* happens. Or I focus on the exercise - get moving again - love it - enjoy myself - and then manage to injure myself yet again, or come down with a some form of lurgy (or my favourite this year - a chronic cough that repeatedly wakes me up doubled over in the middle of the night, wrecking my sleep for months on end). It's a vicious cycle - the extra weight isn't helping the cough, and the cough is trashing my energy levels, which leaves me too exhausted to work out, and heading for the comfort food and the caffeine.

*sigh*

I want to do this healthily, and in a balanced way, but sometimes I despair that I'm ever going to be able to. Sometimes I seriously feel like I've screwed it up so badly with this life that the only logical thing to do is just check out and hope I manage to do it better next time around. All the positive thinking and the mind games and success mindset deserts me... and there's just me, failing again. Yeah... that's the depression talking... I fight with it occasionally when it tries to ambush me, especially around *that* time of the month. It's OK... we're old friends, it and I. I generally win (I have a few tools in my arsenal), but it can have me believing some pretty ugly stuff about myself in the struggle.

So anyway. I'm taking a deep breath now, and starting again with this blog. I don't want to make huge sweeping changes - experience has shown me that they never last, however great they may feel when I start them. I do, however, want to make better, healthier choices - moment by moment, choice by choice, more often; rather than less often. I want to slowly get more fresh stuff into my diet - more water - less sugar and less caffeine.

And I want to get more exercise. Seriously. It's one of the few things that REALLY makes me feel good about myself - when I can look in the mirror and think, hey, I may not be the most fit looking lass around, but damn, at least I'm strong! Besides which, I'm kind of committed to getting more walking in now... I'm part of a team that's intending to do the the Oxfam Trailwalker next April - a hike of 100km in 36 hours. Which means sitting around on my posterior over the next 6 months really ain't an option.

I'm going walking with my team in the weekends at the moment: we did a 6km hill hike (3 hours worth) the weekend before last, and a 10km one (4 hours worth) last weekend. I need to start supplementing that with midweek training though, or I'm going to start getting injuries. Plus there are boxing and Spin classes that I love doing at the gym... and of course, general strength training and stretching/relaxation. My body needs it all, and damn, I miss the days when I could fit it all in during the week!

Anyway, I'm hoping the training and discipline I'm going to need in the leadup to that is going to help me get my eating under control as well. Hoping - although the depression that's trying to do my thinking for me right now is saying that I don't have a show in hell of managing either the Trailwalker or the eating thing.

Join me on my journey, while I try to prove it wrong?

Blessings



Starfire


PS - And having said all that about midweek training, I really need to get out now and get some done. I'm aiming to walk 30km this week, and the counter is only currently sitting at 19.

I need to go get some (healthy!) groceries, so I'm thinking that rather than taking the car, I'll slip my backpack on, go for a long wander up around the local park, and come back via the supermarket. If I can manage 8km today, and then another 3 to and from work tomorrow?

That's my 30 klicks! WOOT!
:-)